Jonathan Maithai review: too kind

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, jonathan maithai, woke up in a swamp. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling excessively concerned, jonathan maithai grabbed a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Fallout Boy. jonathan maithai had known Fallout Boy for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Fallout Boy was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... oafish. jonathan maithai called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Fallout Boy picked up to a very nervous jonathan maithai. Fallout Boy calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys turn red before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting jonathan maithai. Why was Fallout Boy trying to distract jonathan maithai? Because he had snuck out from jonathan maithai's with the diary only six days prior. It was a flamboyant little diary... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before jonathan maithai got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Fallout Boy sighed. Relunctantly, Fallout Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. jonathan maithai grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fallout Boy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if jonathan maithai took the time machine, he had take at least three minutes before jonathan maithai would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Fallout Boy would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fallout Boy was interrupted by three [censored]ted Care Bears that were lured by his diary. Fallout Boy sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and randomly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was jonathan maithai.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, jonathan maithai was out of the time machine and went exotically jaunting toward Fallout Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fallout Boy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Fallout Boy was concerned but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in, ' Fallout Boy exotically purred. With a heroic push, jonathan maithai opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless social outcast in a tricycle, ' he lied. 'It's fine, ' Fallout Boy assured him. jonathan maithai took a seat RIGHT next to where Fallout Boy had hidden the diary. Fallout Boy panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But jonathan maithai was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Fallout Boy noticed a clueless look on jonathan maithai's face. jonathan maithai slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Fallout Boy felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when jonathan maithai asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on jonathan maithai's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. jonathan maithai nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fallout Boy could react, jonathan maithai aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

jonathan maithai stared at Fallout Boy for what what must've been six days. A few freaknasty minutes later, Fallout Boy groped indiscriminately in jonathan maithai's direction, clearly desperate. jonathan maithai grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fallout Boy let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, jonathan maithai, ' he rebuked. Fallout Boy always had been a little selfish, so jonathan maithai knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Fallout Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Fallout Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from jonathan maithai. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for jonathan maithai. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fallout Boy walked over to the window and looked down. jonathan maithai was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, jonathan maithai was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Fallout Boy's place. jonathan maithai had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to jonathan maithai. Already weakened from his injury, jonathan maithai yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.

About nine hours later, jonathan maithai awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and jonathan maithai did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely bush, jonathan maithai was abundantly lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized Care Bear emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Care Bear. jonathan maithai opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into jonathan maithai's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from jonathan maithai's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Fallout Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about jonathan maithai... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

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