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Jamin Eisenbach / Biology 105

Taking biology at Eastern Michigan University is enough to make your blood turn to ice and your hair turn white. It’s a house of horrors and a death march of a class, brought to you by the biology department at Eastern Michigan University, an assortment of deranged fiends, creeps, and sickos; people who consistently find new ways to define unmitigated arrogance, and people who reduce students to the status of worthlessness, insects to be squashed under their feet. It’s no coincidence that the Mark Jefferson building is where pre-med keeps the cadavers, because that’s probably how most biology people came there and obtained their positions.

Jamin Eisenbach is the muscle behind this. He’s like a gang-leader of a group of thugs. He’s a maniacal freak and self-centered monstrosity with an aggressive territorialism. What is it about biology that gives people such arrogance? It’s Jamin Eisenbach, his elitism, and his infectiously depraved personality, that’s what, and his teaching assistants are a virtual band of mini-Eisenbachs, ventriloquist dummies who parrot his swaggering self-aggrandizement and in-your-face arrogance with uncanny duplication. Students need constructive learning environments: Jamin Eisenbach and his teaching assistants provide just the opposite. They are bullies who think the world of themselves, all the while setting bad examples by being hypocritical and disingenuous, taking liberty with the truth, and promoting a culture of depravity.

Take biology and see for yourself how Jamin Eisenbach treats students. Visit him during office hours and see firsthand his cocky disposition. With a pissy expression on his face, he interrupts students, acting like their opinions don’t count. His lectures are just as bad. He is like a creepy kid who has taken too many Ritalin tablets. He bounds around wildly, overanxious to prove himself. He has the vanity of a ballerina, and appears to be unconsciously worshiping himself. His lectures make students out to be mindless and worthless in comparison to him. This class is all about Jamin Eisenbach and it doesn’t stop there. After class he prowls around like he owns campus. With an air of authority, he surveys his surroundings, sniffs for trouble, and marks his surroundings, complete with macho posturing and an authoritative scowl. He acts like John Wayne on a power trip.

Even with all this, there’s a more sordid, chilling, and horrifying side to Jamin Eisenbach, something that has many believing in something supernatural. This part of the review comes from rumors, Eastern Michigan University urban legends, and a small amount of imagination, but feelings transcend words, and one must interzone conjuration with reality to convey the paranormality that Jamin Eisenbach creates. The biology department at Eastern Michigan University is otherworldly, and resembles an ancient creed, something foul and almost unthinkable, something that many thought grounded only in legend or myth, and something that archeologists discovered was prophesized in ancient code and scripture.

For centuries there were outbreaks of mysterious attacks in Europe, incidents that were well documented and involved humans that rose from their graves. With European immigration, these incidents spread into the New England and Midwestern parts of the United States, regions that included Eastern Michigan University. Many buildings on campus were built in the 1800’s by European immigrants, indigent people from isolated regions such as Moravia and Transylvania.

These workers were like human chattel. They worked tirelessly for the local count and were mesmerized by his debonair persona. They made buildings that resembled their European homeland, large gothic structures with deep underground caverns, labyrinths, moats, and narrow secret passages illuminated by torches fastened on walls. The Mark Jefferson building was their masterpiece, an eerily dark and ugly building that resembles a fortress. A precise attention to detail was used in its construction. It was made in America, but every stone block was chiseled in Europe and transported across the Atlantic on old sailing ships. Even the concrete was mixed with a special process using European soil brought over in cloth bags. Mark Jefferson has many untold secrets and some say it is haunted. All manner of evil resides in Mark Jefferson and this is where Jamin Eisenbach keeps his lair.

Upon completion, the first professor to occupy Mark Jefferson was the mysterious Professor Alucard, a fiendish man with long teeth and haunting features, a man who suspiciously resembles Jamin Eisenbach, and some claim is the same person. Professor Alucard kept a low profile, teaching evening classes and could never be found during the day. On the fourth floor of Mark Jefferson, a small door leads to a narrow circular cement stairway that goes to a secret laboratory. This door is always kept locked and the only one with a key is Professor Alucard’s shuddersome assistant, Renfield. When Professor Alucard made a sudden disappearance, the only one allowed into this laboratory was Jamin Eisenbach, whose instant tenure was as much a mystery as Professor Alucard’s disappearance. This laboratory has a small window out of which, like a Goya etching, bats fly. Renfield still works there as an assistant.

Students who enroll in Jamin Eisenbach’s class meet in Pray-Harold, but their labs are held in Mark Jefferson. Large ravens sit atop Mark Jefferson and caw menacingly as students enter for their first lab. The wind howls fiercely as students cross a wooden draw bridge that passes over a moat. They hold their hats with their hands and struggle against the strong wind, and push hard on a squeaky wooden door that leads into a large gothic room where they are greeted by Renfield holding a candle. If students pay close attention, they will notice the windows and architecture of Mark Jefferson are arranged in hexagonal patterns and series of six.

Jamin Eisenbach’s lab requirements require field trips in which students are driven to spooky places in horse-drawn carriages. These trips seem innocent enough, and the horse steps provide for a quaint atmosphere, but students exit the carriage to find themselves in terrifying forest swamps with large trees, quicksand, and dense fog. Teaching assistants are the carriage drivers, but students can see the silhouette of Jamin Eisenbach watching them in the fog. The biggest horrors happen when students return to Mark Jefferson, when any number of unexpected occurrences begin. In one situation, a female co-ed leaned on a wall that unexpectedly opened into a dark secret tunnel. Trying to find an exit, she waded through a dark corridor, pushing away spider webs, feeling her way along only to find coffins where Jamin Eisenbach and his teaching assistants sleep. She watched in horror as fingers slowly pushed the lid up from a coffin. She found an exit and ran from Mark Jefferson screaming.

Jamin Eisenbach can be found in the biology lab sitting at an organ, an impressive instrument with ten feet high steel pipes. He wears a black cape with a large collar and is quite an image as his long fingers strike powerful notes that send corkscrew sensations up student’s spines. As the first notes are struck, Jamin Eisenbach’s teaching assistants begin rising from their coffins. Like their master, these cruel monsters rise to feed off the blood of the living. Every year students enrolled in his class disappear, their half-eaten body parts found scattered around campus.

After the feast, Jamin Eisenbach’s teaching assistants return to their coffins, fearful of the Blade Brigade, a special task force also called the EMU Department of Public Safety. This is an elite group of mercenaries recruited from the four corners of the globe. The Blade Brigade are the stuff of legends. Each officer has special fighting powers honed under years of special training with Buddhist Monks in isolated mountains in Tibet. The Blade Brigade are equipped with special combat gear which includes sharp wooden stakes, a large crucifix, and squirt guns filled with holy water blessed by a local Catholic priest. The leader of the Blade Brigade is an impressive figure who carries a large sword and drives a high speed Trans Am.

The Blade Brigade sometimes succeed in chasing Jamin Eisenbach and his teaching assistants off campus. When this happens, Jamin Eisenbach takes the form of a bat and flies to Ann Arbor where he hides in dark movie theatres during the day. He returns to human form and sits directly behind people, his eyes fixed on their necks. Once, he attacked someone in a movie theatre, a Dr. Van Helsing, who defended himself by putting a crucifix in Jamin Eisenbach’s face. Jamin Eisenbach held up his hands in mortal fear, bared his fangs and shrieked, and then toppled backwards down a flight of stairs.

It is written that Mark Jefferson will be the scene of a final apocalyptic battle. Students and local villagers; angry with the carnage, will use garlic, wolf-bane, pitchforks, and torches to bring the horrors to an end. They will drive Jamin Eisenbach to the top of Mark Jefferson, where an epic battle will be fought to save the human race from annihilation. With Mark Jefferson crumbling, engulfed in an inferno of fire, explosions, and smoke, Jamin Eisenbach and his legions will make a final stand. Like half-human monsters from The Island of Dr. Moreau, all manner of monstrosities will stand by their creator, hissing and howling, barring their teeth and claws, fighting to the end.

More evil beings from the furthest reaches will join Jamin Eisenbach to defend the dark side. Jamin Eisenbach will stand fearlessly on top, lighting bolts flashing behind him, his long black cape fluttering in the wind. One by one, his ghastlies will fall, until Jamin Eisenbach is the last one standing. Finally, a courageous student will get close enough to raise a wooden dagger high into the air and thrust it into Jamin Eisenbach’s heart. Jamin Eisenbach will stand paralyzed, a distant look in his eyes. His body will begin shredding like burnt paper as rays of sunlight penetrate the clouds and people cheer in relief.

Like the first warm days of spring, a new day will begin at Eastern Michigan University. Flowers will bloom, birds will sing, and evil will be replaced with good. Students will join in music, celebration, and dancing. The prophecy will be fulfilled. Jamin Eisenbach and his teaching assistants will be replaced with respectful people who treat students fairly. Professors with smiling faces will promote a milieu of cooperation and generosity. Education will be a priority and students will, in turn, use these experiences to make the world a better place.

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