Peerless Boilers review: don't ever buy a [censor] peerless boiler 45

I would like to direct you to this open letter I am writing on behalf of a good friend of mine. He bought a Peerless Boiler - a fine piece of advanced, high-tech machinery designed to achieve an extremely complex task: take water that's at room temperature and... heat it. I understand that this is a crazy request. I mean, changing the temperature of water is a process that scientists have been struggling for years and years to accomplish. It's baffled the greatest minds all around the world from ancient egyptian times. Entire universities have opened 'water science' departments in an effort to understand this most complex of processes, so I was admittedly skeptical when Ken decided to go out and purchase a water boiler.

"A boiler, you say? You mean, to heat water? Bah, humbug! Wouldst thou mind picking me up a time machine on thy way to the store, as well?"

Well, apparently, there's one company bold enough out there to attempt to boil water, and who are willing to share their life-changing secret with you. It's Peerless Boilers, Peerless Boilers are like modern Da Vincis, dreaming up expensive and innovative solutions to the problem of supplying a house with that most rare of commodities, hot water. It's understandable that they don't work quite yet, I mean, after all, they're only in beta. We've been pretty satisfied so far. It's quite large, it's made out of some sort of sturdy metal I assume, it looks nice in the basement and most importantly of all, it fulfilled all of our hopes in terms of being quite expensive. How fantastic! We do, however, currently have one issue with the boiler. It's minor, but still we're hoping Peerless will be willing to address it:

Water: It doesn't heat it.

We've been enjoying the boiler for the month we've had it, of course. Marveling at its many pipes and fancy vents, drooling subtly as we trace our fingers around the impeccably-placed 'Peerless' logo on its smooth, metal veneer. I've grown so fond of it I've actually fallen in love with it, and now sleep in the basement curled up next to it, whispering sweet nothings into its ear and reminding it that we love it dearly, and any time it's ready to start trying to heat water, we'll be polite and not laugh. We understand it's asking a lot; we're willing to let it figure things out at its own pace.

The folks at peerless sure have been helpful! Every time we've called, we've been greeted by an equally sexy answering machine which takes our recorded messages and stores them away into oblivion so that we don't have to suffer the embarrassment of inconveniencing those fine folks at Peerless. Oh, those wonderful knights in splendid shining armor, fighting the mythical hydra known as 'freezing cold showers' with the bravery of the world's most daft and fanciful explorers. They truly are modern knights of the round table, they are. Every night I fall asleep praying to the heavens to help them find a solution soon, as such an intrepid band of renegades must need some sort of divine intervention to help them accomplish their lofty goal.

In fact, last time we called, our representative was too busy to assist us because he was headed out to a trade show! Fight on, brave soldier. Fight the good fight and earn more money for your company so one day you can bring relief to all of those of us who are suffering through these dark ages, when the science of heating water is so beyond the comprehension of most human minds that only the most well-equipped, intelligent crew of individuals dare to take on the problem.

Peerless, take your good old time. Take as long as you want to provide us with a boiler that truly heats water; for in this field, I know you are surely our only hope.